🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.